Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Come back. Shots need mouths.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
