hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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