What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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