How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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