Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He shit in the fireplace
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
