Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I cut my penus on the lid.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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