My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
