I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
