she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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