I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
