It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
