Betty ford says i'm here all night
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
