Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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