So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
