a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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