Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Mom said you looked used
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
