My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
