eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Every concussion has its silver lining
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
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