I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
