She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
