I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
