My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Say something about gay babies.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
