Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
