One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize