Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
