I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
