So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize