the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Your dad touched me again.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
