watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
