i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
