If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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