1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
