the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize