I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
