Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My liver just broke up with me...
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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