we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
