Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
