weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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