I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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