I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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