My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i wish my penis had a tongue
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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