omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
