She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
he's gonorrhea incarnate
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize