fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
