Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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