when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
