Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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