I saw his package. It spoke to me.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
