I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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