I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
is that a dick in a sweater?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize