She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
