I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Is it because I queefed?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
