you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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