Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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