Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
