I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just threw up on my dentist
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize