How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
