I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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